Elect;Rittenhouse Receives Scholorship From Harvard After ASU Ban

Arizona State University didn’t seem to be sympathetic with the plight of hero pedo-blaster Kyle Rittenhouse. Last week, the young malleable mortal murderer was told “Thanks but no thanks” to his already planned class schedule and course selection.

 

However, such liberal whining eventually led to bigger and better avenues. Rittenhouse has reported that none other than number one Ivy League University Harvard business school has offered him a huge scholarship to attend their institution. Harvard was formally a bad guy for allowing Barack Obama inside it’s hallowed halls, but is apparently interested in making amends.
The scholarship is available only to those prospective students who have been measured as having greater than the average American’s body fat content, leading to its nickname : “The Pudge Fund.”

The fund uses donated capitol to provide financial aid to the subject to the tune of over one hundred dollars per semester, intended to be spent on fatty foods, donuts, and physical supplies that would make a lackadaisical student even more sedentary.

Joe Barron, head of the scholarship’s Queefadelic Presentation committee explained why Rittenhouse was chosen over those much heavier.

“The kid is a conservative hero for simply assuming his superiority in vigilantism, having his mommy ferret him into a protest zone, and mowing down bystanders. And he got off! Do you have any idea how nutty our law school division is about that right now?”

Professor James Lahey, seen here working on his dissertation.
“The Pudge Fund is the best we could do, really. It’s just about the only scholarship we could muster for the psycho. We want him at the school because the frats don’t have an adequate number of targets for their newbies during rush week.”

So it looks like, for the second time, against all logic and liberal flailing, Kyle Rittenhouse wins again. And although he hasn’t definitively chose Harvard as his alma matter just yet, it’s certainly on the table now. Like his victims.

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