Elect;Bristol Palin Found Dead at 34

Bristol Palin, daughter of powerhouse political operative Sarah Palin and role model to teen girls everywhere, was found dead at 33 near her home in Anchorage Heights, Alaska.

Authorities aren’t sure what killed the young woman, and they haven’t ruled out foul play. Her family has asked for privacy in this time of tragedy.

Bristol is survived by her parents, and her children, as well as her siblings and extended family. She’ll be remembered as one of the best contestants ever on Dancing With the Stars, and for being a positive role model for celibacy, even during her teen pregnancy.

Thank you for your time on Earth, Bristol. We’ll always remember you fondly. May God forgive you for your sins and accept you into his house.

Palin will go down in the conservative history books as a hero who had lots of sex but said you probably shouldn’t, and that’s what this filthy country needs more than anything right now. She will be missed.

Palin’s body will lie in state in her bedroom for the next week so those who knew her well can have one last romp.

The family asking for privacy is both absurd and hilarious.

God bless you, Bristol Palin. May you bring joy to thousands before you decompose.

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