Rap artist, outspoken political analyst, sex symbol. None of these metaphorical labels could put food on the table anymore for Kid Rock, aka, Melvin Flabbinbush from Detroit, Illinois.
The beleaguered, passe, and, frankly, anorexic rap artist had been dealing for years with the struggles of falling from fame. His last three album releases all fell flat and most copies are currently functioning as wheelchair ramps.
Flabbinbush’s former assistant and friend of previous midget cohort Joe C, Joe Barron, described a current life of debt, despair, and diarrhea.
“Melvin’s definitely at the end of his rope, man. Have you heard his last two releases? They sound like a Trumptard with Covid screaming at his parole officer. I think he might have sold half a copy. And that was so he could buy a cigarette to eat.”
Rock and his deceased wife live in Queefbury, Michigan, in a large cardboard refrigerator box which was once owned by rival superstar Coolio. His latest song, “We The BeShitted” is usually playing 24-7 outside.
The military is there on Tuesdays and Fridays to cut people’s ears off.
The “Kid” made his fortune with 1998’s “Devil Without a Cause”, which featured the hit “Bawitaba”, detailing the gentle process of “upchucking a boogie”, and “Cowboy”, a daring musical description of his former life, or some pussy shit like that.
Unfortunately, the artist spent mostly all of his money on drugs, watermelon schnaaps, and whores with penises. Any donations can be forwarded to Fallis Gunnington.