The normally sedate and rote senatorial election in the state of Utah has heated up this week, as celebrity and woman of God Marie Osmond has announced a challenging run against the decidedly anti-Donald Trump two-term Representitive Mitt Romney for control of the seat.
Osmond, a staunch conservative and television host, has both these characteristics in common with the failed embarrassment of a President, and is expected to carry much of the Trump cult’s vote immediately, as such people are far too medically stupid to hear about “platforms”, “background”, or “specific issues.”
Sandy Batt of MUFF, Mormons Unified For the Flag, says that Osmond may suffer by her propensity for country, and her severe deficit for rock and roll.
“She’s always been a bit of a ditz, sure. But getting the endorsement of America’s most historic and infamous idiot like Donald Trump should overshadow that. Many Utahians are feeling let down by Mitt Romney sticking to his Republican principles and opposing our former pandemic spreader in chief.”
“When it comes down to it, we don’t want a real Republican. We want to pretend we’re Republican and then vote for whatever dipshit we saw on tv, who we think will put women and black people in their places again. As God intended.”
Both candidates, being members in good standing of the Mormon faith, will begin the campaign by performing in the ancient Latter Day Saint’s Ritual of the Golden Blumpkin, a series of sacred challenges to determine the “true path of the victor.” The event will begin with both candidates entering a physical contest, wherein each must complete a mile-long Jolt Cola hurdle race. As is well known, any contact with caffeine can cause immediate death to a Mormon.
We wish both contestants in this great American race for control, whether it be through the Magic Underpants Quidditch Tournament, or the sure to be exciting Sister-Wife tag-team wrestling contest, may the best man, (or subservient female-man), win.