In a surprise to everyone and much to the chagrin of current President Joe Biden and National Security officials, former President Donald Trump flew to Moscow late Sunday night to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Speaking with reporters as he was boarding his private jet, Trump said “I am the only leader in the world that can stop this American tragedy. Nobody in Sleepy Joe’s administration is willing to do anything about it.”
Presidents Trump was whisked away in a motorcade accompanied by heavy security as soon as as the place landed, apparently headed towards President Putin’s private Dacha on the outskirts of Moscow.
After about five hours President Trump’s motorcade returned to the airport, where the former president was asked by CNN’s Jim Acosta about the meeting:
Acosta: “President Trump, what was the purpose of the meeting and why did you decide to circumvent the current administration?”
Trump: “Well, I’m the only one who can get things done, regardless of who is currently president, even if he lost the election by a landslide.”
Acosta: “Yes, but what was the purpose of the meeting?”
Trump: “Well, we’ve all seen what a genius President Putin is when he annexed those Ukrainian provincials (sic), so I thought he could help us with the War on Christmas.”
Acosta: “The War on Christmas???”
Trump: “If you weren’t fake news you would know what I’m talking about. The War on Christmas is the single biggest crisis to face this nation in history. There are convoys of illegal immigrants headed towards us to take up arms against Christmas and force American patriots to say Happy Holidays or even worse, Felices Vacaciones.”
Acosta: “But it’s not even close to Christmas yet. How will Putin help?”
Trump: “Russia will provide us with Spetznaz paratroopers that will be airdropped into Democrat held cities and occupy all Starbucks locations, forcing the baristas to say Merry Christmas and only use cups with Christmas symbols on them. This is what real leadership looks like.”
We were unable to confirm reporting by anonymous sources that President Trump wore his usual leather gimp outfit during the meeting in Putin’s private dungeon, nor could we confirm that Melania Trump was operating the Bukkake Fountain as well as the milking table.