Elect;Whoopi To Receive Presidential Medal of Freedom

Sweet holy hell is nothing at all sacred in this world? Have you heard the latest? You’d better sit down, put your feet up and grab a cup of coffee.

President Joe Biden is planning on presenting the Presidential medal of Freedom to Whoopi Goldberg this coming Sunday in a live, televised event. For everybody to see, as if it’s something to be proud of! Does that honey roast your man-bags, or what?

The honor is being presented on all local Fox affiliates at 5 p.m., and will begin with a rendition of the theme song from “Star Trek – The Next Generation” by the New York Philharmonic orchestra. Following that introduction, as per Goldberg’s request, agents will be sent into the hall to gently dry hump all witnesses to the spectacle.

Biden spoke through a surrogate, Sandy Batt, to explain why Goldberg is receiving the honor and why Rowf is his favorite Muppet.

“Whoopi has been through so much this year, and still remains free. That’s freedom. Hence, the medal of Freedom. It’s pretty simple. That Picard show is already off to a good start, so yay, I guess.”

“Rowf the piano playing dog is the best one because he plays the piano, has been known to wear a trench coat, and is rumored to have spent more than one night with Janice, from Dr. Teeth’s band. Pretty goddamn slick, Rowf. Lay that pipe, brah.”

Check your local listings for the medal presentation. All rights reserved. Please do not watch while operating heavy machinery. Viewership is subject to ownership of eyes. Side effects may include random queefing and projectile shitblasting.

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