The View Settled with Kyle Rittenhouse for $22 Million and an Apology

ABC’s The View will compose a written apology to Kyle Rittenhouse and his mother, Wendy Rittenhouse, and deliver it along with a check for $22 million. The Rittenhouse’s spokesman, Joe Barron, says the settlement didn’t take long and “wasn’t very difficult.”

It’s true. The View settled. They had no choice. Rittenhouse’s case was so strong, that Casey Anthony inquired about using it. Kyle’s lawyers said it was only a matter of time before all of the articles Facebook keeps labeling fake are real. Or maybe they’re not and that’s the whole point. Either way, between here and there, there’s no way anyway is anything other than absolutely true.

Settling into the new life of being wealthy on the internet, Rittenhouse now intends to go after the website that keeps lying about him. Most recently, Rittenhouse stories appeared on Tater Report, USA Taters, and Litherland, all of which are liberal troll operations.

The show’s producers have been eager to settle the matter to get them away from all the bad press. In the past few months, story after story about Whoopi Goldberg’s suspensions and firings along with reports of more than 11 lawsuits filed have the show’s team wondering if it was worth it at all.

According to our records, the bulk of the attacks against The View come from sites pretending to be right-wing propaganda when they’re leftist trolls making fun of Trump supporters. None of the lawsuits have been true so far, but this one is.

We promise.

The apology must include the words “Kyle Rittenhouse isn’t a murderer” at least four times, according to a friend with inside knowledge on several other matters. “What I don’t know is why the math is before the science,” said the source, “or what that even means.”

Our editors report that if the math is before the science, most likely none of it will make any sense, meaning Rittenhouse is coming out ahead on this one.

That doesn’t mean the stories couldn’t be true or that we can’t pray it’s true. It just means they may not be true.

God bless America.

 

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