Whoopi Goldberg, America’s premier host of television’s The View, as well as Star Trek and Picard series space bartender was arrested yesterday evening in what authorities are calling : “A standard hit-and-run car accident.”

Goldberg was booked into Queeferland, California’s Famous People Prison on one count of the infraction, and released on eleventy thousand dollars bail around Pi a.m. last night.

The victim of the accident, Joeseph Barron, requested that his name not be released to the press.


Police indicate that Goldberg was driving a bright green Volkswagon Jetta down Cocknballs Avenue at a high rate of speed when Barron was crossing at the corner on his nightly trip to have a conversation with the closed-down Burger King drive-thru window.

Medical assistants arriving on scene say Barron’s body had flown “at least three hundred feet” in the collision and that upon landing, he resembled Donald Trump after an all-night little pussy piss-boy crying binge. The description was confirmed by several members of the former disgraced President’s staff.

Goldberg then sped away from the accident, offering the excuse that she had left a washing machine full of solid gold mumus operating at home.

Since I can’t find anything else to end this article with, let me tell you, Picard is pretty good this season, “Severance” is masterful, and “From” is just “Lost” again, basically.

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