Harvard University is lamenting their decision to allow Malia Obama, the former First Daughter, to enroll at their school at all. First, there were the out-of-control parties. Then there were the arrests. Now, as icing on the cake, they’ve discovered that priceless artifacts from the college’s library were stolen and sold by the traitorous ex-president’s daughter.
Harvard’s library is home to some of the most interesting objects ever collected. The presidential section holds handwritten letters to students from George Washington himself, as well as Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Hamilton, and Richard Nixon. The graduate section houses original patents owned by Thomas Edison and the Wright Brothers, as well as a comprehensive design portfolio for the “Little Boy” H-bomb from Albert Einstein.
So what did Malia steal? According to newly filed police reports with the Harvard County Sheriff, the library has it on good authority that Malia stole JFK’s back brace and sold it for nearly $600K. She also took Woodrow Wilson’s gold tooth, the same one he traded to the DNC for his candidacy in 1902. The gold alone was worth nearly $40K, but with the significant provenance, she fetched close to $1 million.
The FBI says they will get involved once they’ve proven that Malia sold the objects across state lines. Special Agent Joe Barron says they’ve been trying to catch her on a federal wrap for years:
“Ever since she went and stole those trinkets from the White House we’ve been trying to nail her. She’s always got a good alibi and it’s been very difficult to get a judge to take the case. It’s said that her ties to The Clinton Foundation make her a very dangerous suspect. Nobody wants to end up on their kill list.”
The Massachusetts Attorney general refused to comment, pointing out that the charges might be fabricated, since this entire thing is appearing in a clearly-labeled satire story. The latest Rasmussen poll shows that 91 percent of Trump supporters pray this is true, and don’t really care if it’s not. “They hate her,” said spokeswoman Sandy Batt, “They don’t know why, other than her name and the color of her skin, but these are true are turds we’re talking about. They don’t need actual reasons.”
Malia has denied the charges and says she’ll continue studying at Harvard if she god damned well feels like it.