Russian President Vladimir Putin says he’s willing to negotiate a peace treaty in Ukraine, but he’ll only speak with former President Donald Trump. “He’s the only American I can trust,” Putin said in a statement, “Trump has never lied to me.”

President Joe Biden says he’d rather see the world burn than ask Trump to help with Putin. “He’s Putin’s stooge,” Biden told reporters,”We all know he’s either secretly in love with the guy or Putin has something on hi, Is that pee tape real? Anything is possible.”

The Pentagon says they’d love to have Trump back in charge, because this is all getting old, and a bunch of them are looking for a reason to retire. “Having that buffoon back in charge would do it,” said Rear Admiral Joe Barron, “Every day was a challenge with that guy.”

The State Department says it’s willing to give Trump diplomatic credentials so he’s not breaking any laws, but Biden won’t allow it. He’s determined to let Putin do whatever he wants.

Trump said he’d do it, of course, if it would save innocent lives. He would have to charge a consulting fee, but it would be far less than the cost of all those bombs.

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