For some time now, Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been inundated with her Congress’s progressive caucus pleading for her to begin impeachment hearings for President Trump. As the days go on, more and more pressure for her to do the deed grows, so she’s evidently come up with a plan cobbled together over several rounds of Alabama Slammers at the nearby Broken Drum bar : She will drop all impeachment activity in exchange for President Trump’s signature on a bill giving amnesty to every undocumented person within the United States.

The bill would be similar to the one President Ronald Reagan (God rest his soul), signed during his second term, but with the added benefit of citizenship and automatic enrollment in the Medicare and Social Security programs. While the offer has many conservative Republicans steaming, some, like Senator Lindsey Graham, can see the benefits:


“It would be nice to have that constant naughty threat of impeaching our poor, sweet President taken away. He doesn’t deserve it, my stars and garters, he doesn’t. Every time I hear that talk, I get the vapors. And all we’d need to do is legalize a few gorgeous Mexican poolboys. Sounds heavenly.”


President Trump is reportedly mulling over the offer while in a self-induced adderall wankathon in the Rose Room, and we’ll keep you up to date on this latest Sophie’s choice.

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