Mike Tomlin, head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, has issued a mandate to all of his players for the upcoming season: there will be no kneeling on the field. Tomlin’s statement came as a shock to the team, since the Steelers have been the team with the largest number of unpatriotic kneelers since the crisis began in 2017.

Tomlin says he’s tired of people hating America and not being able to stand and recognize a song for 2 minutes once a week. “It’s just silly,” Tomlin told reporters, “I can’t stand seeing it.” Three other coaches confirm that Tomlin is vehemently opposed to kneeling on the field.

“He can’t stand it,” said assistant place-kicker coach Joe Barron, “it makes my job tough, but we’ve managed to get two players to hold snaps without their knees touching the ground,” Barron said it’s a good thing you only have to wave for a fair catch these days. Quarterback coach Art Tubolls says Ben Roethlisberger wouldn’t have been a fan of the new “faceplant” technique of taking a knee to end a half — or the game, but the younger players seem alright with it.

 

Several players have expressed concern that Tomlin’s odd issue with kneeling of any kind could also interfere with pre-game and touchdown prayers. “It just doesn’t seem logical to ban all of it.”

We’ll have to wait and see how it plays out, but thank you, sir, for thinking of America first.

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