It’s official, patriots. Sources inside Rittenhouse Media Accountability Enterprises Inc have confirmed to our reporter in the field that Kyle is filing suit as soon as today against Whoopi Goldberg, Don Lemon, and Rachel Maddow for saying mean and defamatory things about him when he was accused of murder.
According to the source, Rittenhouse’s longtime friend Jay, Kyle felt really, really bad when the media was saying those things, and he has permanent psychological damage because of it. Jay says Kyle is having a hard time firing a weapon, and he hasn’t been able to punch a girl in months.
One Twitter user tweeted the story in an all-caps headline earlier, making it even more true:
We’re currently working on the identity of the source. Sources say he may be a liberal troll, but that he sometimes “gets one right.”
And that made it all worth it, patriots. Thanks for tuning in, and God bless America.