The Claim: Soccer star Megan Rapinoe assaulted a team member, resulting in her release from the US Women’s Team

Yes, patriots, it’s absolutely true, and we couldn’t be more pleased. Purple-headed warrior Megan Rapinoe of the US Women’s soccer team is no longer of the US Women’s Soccer Team. The player herself confirmed it when we contacted her via email:

“Screw you. I have no comment. They can keep their stupid shirts.”

Rumors spread quickly that Rapinoe was also disqualified from the US Olympic Team, which we also found to be true.

 

On top of that, Rapinoe is also being fired from Subway for her silliness and “protests.” Subway says that while she’s not quite as embarrassing as Jared, she’s giving it her all. Rapinoe’s agent, Joe Barron, says the former star will probably just build a commercial kitchen by her pool and spend the bazillion dollars she made laughing at asshats designing her own line of mini muffins. “They’ll be delicious,” said Barron. We also rate that to be true.

 

All told, as most things we rate true are typically not true, this is a great showing for things that couldn’t possibly be true. But we won’t know the truth about that until someone forwards this nonsense to Maarten. God bless America.

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